Well, Mom & Dad left to go back to MD today. I was so happy that they stayed with us, for Mom's sake I thought...you know prolong the inevitable...they're going home to an empty house. No Mom-mom waiting, no pups to feed and put out, just quiet.
I'm praying for Mom today because I know it's going to be a long drive home and for Dad because he needs continued strength to support Mom. But on my way to work, I started crying and couldn't figure out why.
Then it hit me...I needed this visit just as much as Mom did. I miss Mom-mom too. I can't call her on my break at work, can't hear her voice whenever, and won't see her when I go to MD for Steven's wedding in a little over a month.
I guess I just have to take my own advice. Get back in a groove. One step at a time. When grief feels heavier than the clouds which overcast the sky this morning, we truck on...and like Mom-mom LOVED to stay, we "Put our BIG GIRL panties on, and deal with it!" Miss you and love you Mom-mom, but I'm so HAPPY and even a little jealous for you...no more pain, no more tears for you.
Our dearest friends and family,
We want to thank you for your continued prayer and support throughout these last few weeks. Mom-mom went home to be with her savior on Tuesday August 10. The obituary can be found here. The viewings and services are as follows:
It seems as though one of the worst things that could happen is happening...right now...and I can't do a thing to stop it.
My precious, sweet, loving, caring, GIVING, amazing, strong, feisty, stubborn, (I could go on) Mom-mom is dying. I spent the better part of last week praying with her, spending precious time with family, and hoping for healing. I still pray and hope, but at the beginning of next week, she's going home. Home to the house she's lived in since I was in High School. Home to a bedroom with a hospital bed and a nurse. Home to the place where her body is going to wear out. I know this sounds depressing, but my heart is truly sad.
Her worn out body is full of infection and pneumonia on top of the effects of last week's stroke. She has a feeding tube in her nose that constantly drips into her stomach. She's on an IV b/c she cannot swallow or drink. She's in and out of consciousness. She knows who is speaking to her and hears what they are saying, but cannot speak in return.
My hope now rests in the fact that soon she will be free from pain and fear. We serve an amazing God who saves us from all pain. Miracles happen daily and I refuse to limit God's ability to save her from this and grant her a full recovery here on Earth, but I also know the reality that life on Earth is mortal. Eternal life is only by the grace of God.
Mom-mom, I love you and will continue to hope and pray and honor you the best way that I can. You are the BEST grandmother a girl could ever ask for. You have taught me so many things. One of those things is love. I pray that I will be able to continue to love as you have. You never gave up on your family and look at us. We're finally together again. I pray we don't lose these bonds that we're re-building. I promise to do the best that I can to keep us together and to love just as you've taught me how. And if God decides to heal you? Well I will praise Him just the same as I will if and when He chooses to to take you HOME! I love you Mom-mom.
Most, if not all of you, know that my Mom-mom had surgery this morning. The Drs. were confident that she had a severe blockage in the carotid artery and that as a result of the stroke she had earlier in the month she needed surgery to bypass the blockage. Well, when they went to put the stent in this morning, they found it was not necessary. In recovery, she suffered another stroke...
I'm still waiting on details, but in the meantime I am at work waiting...watching the clock...trying unnsuccessfully to be productive...feeling guilty because I can only concentrate on one thing...my grandmother (Mom-mom.)
A co-worker and friend reminded me that "God is the GREAT PHYSICIAN." I believe that, but am honestly struggling right now. I haven't really ever had to deal with death; not when it came to a close family member anyhow. When I was in college and my Mom had colon cancer, I refused to even consider death as an option. Now, I find myself thinking about it often. Too many what ifs over the past few weeks. What if...
...they can't do surgery and she dies?
...she has another stroke before the surgery and doesn't make it?
...they can't put the stent in and have to do emergency bypass?
...the surgery is successful and everythings ok?
Never did I think what if the surgery is completely unnecessary and she'd have another stroke in recovery.
As I sit here waiting for more news, I am comforted by one thing about death, specifically regarding my precious Mom-mom. She will be in heaven...there's NO doubt in my mind. That's OBVIOUSLY not what I want to be thinking about, but right now, there's no controlling the thoughts that just roll across my thick head.
If you're reading this, then I hope that you will pray with me. I'm reminded of Isaiah 55:8-9,
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."
God is and will continue to be in control and regardless of what happens next, I'm comforted by this.